


The Roar and Whine

by AHumanFemale



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Brief Mention of Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Excessive Spanish, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 23:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHumanFemale/pseuds/AHumanFemale
Summary: Sonny almost died.Sonny is fine.Until he isn't.





	The Roar and Whine

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty/fluffy thing I wrote today. Hooray for vacation oneshots. 
> 
> *excessive use of Spanish ahead*

It took them a little while to kick in.  

His shrink said that was normal, kind of like being in shock for a bit before your brain starts to try and pick up the pieces.  Sonny was mostly okay at first, he really was.  A little insomnia but who wasn’t going to lose some sleep over nearly getting your head blown off?  He wasn’t so hard on himself as to think he should be one hundred percent right off the bat.  They didn’t really start - the real ones - until about a month later, after his psych screen had been passed with flying colors and he was functioning like every other day.

Then Sonny was unlocking his door and a neighbor slammed theirs.

Time seemed to slow on either side of him, making that loud  _ bang  _ sound like it had lasted an hour.  

When it stopped his hands started to shake, his vision narrowed.  

His heart raced.

Blood roared in his ears, his pulse pounding in his temples.

His chest constricted.

The key trembled in his hand and bumped against the lock several times before sliding into place and letting him inside.

Bile rose caustic in this throat.  

He managed to stumble through the door and throw off his holster before collapsing in his kitchen, back against his cheap cabinets and eyes on the empty black oven window a few feet in front of him.  Sweat soaked through his shirt and his waistcoat until his jacket seemed oppressive and he had to cast it off, throwing it somewhere out of sight.  Sonny did his best to focus on breathing, on calming down.  On relieving the ungodly tightness across his chest that really should have made him think about calling 911.  

He should have listened to Dr. Rudnick.

He really did eat too much red meat.

Time passed but he didn’t know how long he sat there on the bitterly cold tile floor with sweat clinging to his skin.  It must have been a while because suddenly the light had dimmed to evening and there was a knock at his front door and a voice calling his name, a familiar one that sounded worried to find his door wide open and Sonny nowhere in sight.

Rafael.

They had a date that night.

God knows what he must have thought, seeing Sonny’s door thrown open and apartment silent.  There hadn’t been time to clean, either.  Homework was spread across the coffee table and there were at least three different coffee mugs scattered throughout his living room.  There was him, on the floor and incapacitated.  He wanted to call out and tell Raf to leave, to not venture any farther into his pitifully small apartment and find him like that.  It didn’t work, obviously.  Instead he opened his mouth and did nothing but breathe heavily which he supposed didn’t do a hell of a lot to comfort the man who was still calling out for him.  It did, however, point him in the right direction.  

Sonny had never seen Rafi move much faster than a brisk walk in years of working together but suddenly he was running into Sonny’s kitchen, eyes finding him instantly.  He didn’t want to think about what Rafael saw but it didn’t matter long, not when Raf was collapsing to his knees in front of him and reaching out to hold Sonny’s face in his hands.  Long thumbs traced over his cheekbones and if Sonny wasn’t flushed enough from fear he was definitely a frigging tomato by then because the fear in Rafael’s was so real.

What they had was so new.

Just over a month.

A week older than the gun that had pressed into his forehead.

Rafael would run now, seeing this.  Seeing what Sonny looked like without the energetic facade and big mouth and the hopeless infatuation in his eyes.  He’d see the truth of Sonny.  The fear, the mess.  All the parts of him that didn’t deserve to be in the same room as a man like Rafael Barba.  

He wished he’d locked the door.

“What’s wrong?” Rafael demanded, still touching him like he was afraid to stop.  Not unlike their first kiss weeks ago, which still made Sonny’s heart thump when he thought about it.  Rafael mapped the contours of his face like he’d been doing it for years, going by sensation and memory rather than sight.  It was comforting, soothing, until it wasn’t.

Until the very tip of Rafael’s finger touched the center of his forehead and Sonny flinched.  Visibly.  Violently.  Hard enough to throw the back of his head against the cabinet with an audible crack that had Rafael looking like he’d hit Sonny himself.  Confusion shifted his expression, looking so decidedly out of place on Rafael’s features, and then realization struck.  He knew.  Which was exactly the moment that Sonny knew why his heart was trying to beat its way out of his chest - for a long time he’d just been convinced he was dying.

He wasn’t.

He was just stuck in a trance of almost-dying.

“No,” Rafael growled, so angry it made Sonny’s breath catch.  “You are not there, Sonny.  You are not with him.  You are with  _ me.  Here _ .  You are  _ safe _ .”

The anger wasn't helping. 

It just made Sonny tense, made him want to duck away from Rafael's touch. 

He didn't let him. 

His fingers kept tracing and Sonny could see the moment he chose to relax.  His hands slowed and his breathing grew deep.  The muscle jumping angrily in his jaw went still.  Finally his face softened into one of calm determination and he leaned close, close enough for Sonny to smell his cologne and the faint traces of coffee on his breath as it washed against his lips.  Rafael's nearness was suddenly at the forefront of his mind, still new enough to be a happy shock that eclipsed everything else.  He took his first deep breath in long minutes. 

“That's it, there you go,” Rafael whispered.  “Try another.”

Sonny did.

He couldn’t help it, this compulsion to do what he was told.

“ _ Lo estas haciendo tan bien, _ ” he continued and Sonny closed his eyes, just so he could focus on the words and nothing else.  Nothing other than Rafael speaking and the feeling of his thumbs following the paths of his cheekbones up to the soft indentations of his temples.  He didn’t understand a word of it but somehow that was working for him… there was no meaning for him follow, to commands to be obeyed.  All he had to do was listen as Rafael’s voice sloped and danced around the curves of words Sonny couldn’t pronounce if he tried.

“ _ Quiero que te quedes conmigo _ ,” Rafael told him, voice soft now.  “ _ Tu perteneces aquí.  Tu perteneces a lado mío.  El pasado no puede tenerte y no te dejaré ir _ .”

Sonny heard a faint humming in the room and realized it was him, his breaths still coming shaky and forced.  Air left his lungs in a whine but his heart was slowing, the weight lifting.  The numbness that had settled into the back of his neck and the length of his arms had lessened.  Feeling had come back to his fingers before he ever realized it was missing.

“ _ Yo mismo lo mataría si tuviera la oportunidad.  Tal vez sea mejor que no lo hiciera. _ ”

Rafael’s breath hitched and he shook his head.

“ _ Lo siento. No merece más de lo que piensa de lo que ya tiene.” _

Sonny hummed again, this time pleasantly.

He still didn’t know what was being said but he wanted Rafael to keep talking.

“ _ Te mereces algo mejor que esto, mi valiente Sonny. _ ”  

He recognized his name, at least.  

As if he would ever miss the sound of it on Rafael’s lips.

“ _ Estaremos listos la próxima vez, lo prometo.  No dejaré que te quedes así.  Voy a mantenerte a salvo.  Nunca conseguirá mantenerte. _ ”

A gentle kiss pressed to his lips and was gone again before he could return it.

“ _ Eres mía, Sonny _ .”

They spent a few long minutes just breathing into each other’s space, just sharing air, while Sonny came down.  While reality pieced back together and his heart slowed to normal.  His eyes stayed closed, his body still resting against the cabinets behind him with  Rafael kneeling between his legs.  It pained Sonny to realize he didn’t have the strength to wrap his arms around him.  As the tension left his body everything was left shaking and weak, feeling more like jelly than a body required to hold him upright.

Rafael told him to breathe some more, murmuring encouragements in English and Spanish alike, and when Sonny still hadn’t found the strength to speak Rafael filled the heavy silence with humming of his own.  Something old, Sonny was sure.  The tune didn’t sound like anything that would be popular now.  Rafael’s voice was deep and soft and he had no idea Rafael could sing at all until words started coming along with the melody.

“ _ Like a song of love that clings to me… how the thought of you does things to me. _ ”

A lip quirked up.

Raf was singing him love songs.

Oh, how he’d love to tease him.

Another time, maybe.

“ _ Unforgettable, that’s what you are… _ ”

Nat King Cole, his brain finally supplied.

By the time Rafael finished singing Sonny felt together again.  At least in his own body and not trying to fly out of it, which was improvement enough for him under the circumstances.  Rafael had never stopped touching him for a second, even as Sonny cleared his throat and tried to sit up a little straighter.  His limbs felt heavy and useless and here pretty soon he’d have to figure out how he was going to get off the floor without falling flat on his face.

He’d also have to figure out how in the hell they would ever go back to normal after this.  How Rafael would ever look at him ever again after falling to pieces over something that happened a month ago.  A door slammed, for Christ’s sake.  It wasn’t a gun and still Sonny had managed to have a complete meltdown.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny rasped finally, eyes blinking open to find Rafael’s concerned stare fixed on him.  “That’s… that’s never happened before.”

Rafael didn’t so much as blink at the apology.  

“What can I do?”

“You’ve already done it,” Sonny assured him and shifted uncomfortably, eyes falling to the floor so he wouldn’t have to see Rafael’s discomfort at such an emotional topic.  “Ah, you can go if you want.  I’m sorry.  I don’t think I feel up to dinner tonight.”

“Is that what you want?” Rafael asked but still leaned closer, like it was a reflex rather than an empty gesture.  “Do you want me to go?”

No.

He really didn’t.

“Raf, you don’t have to do this.  You’re not responsible for me.”  He cleared his throat.  “I don’t want things to be weird so just… just don’t tell the Lieu, alright?  I don’t need her worrying about me.  And we’re okay, I promise.  We can just go back to how we were.”

“How we were?” Rafael asked incredulously.  “You think I want that?”

Sonny paused.

“Don’t you?”

“No.  I want to be here the next time this happens so I don’t find you on the floor, looking so fucking scared my heart stops.”

Oh, the shame that colored his cheeks.

“Raf…”

“No, Sonny,” he grated in return, using the hands on Sonny’s face to tilt his chin up to look at him.  “You don’t get to draw me in and cast me out when it gets hard.  You don’t get to make me fall in love with you and then not let me do the work.”

In… in love?

God, he was so tired.

So, so tired and still his heart manages to kick in his chest.

“I always knew you were a workaholic,” Sonny teased, somehow summoning the strength to lift his arms.  He found Rafael’s wrists, holding them in his shaking hands.  “I love you too.  Luckily you’re work all the time so I’m used to it.”

The scoff Rafael let out was ecstatic, filled with relief.

He tilted his head forward to meet Sonny’s, closing his eyes.  They stayed for a long minute, just breathing.  Just making room for each other in lives that have been separate for a very long time.

“Come on,” Rafael said finally.  “Let’s get you off the floor.”

 

**…**

 

Now they had a system.

The panic attacks were few and far between now.  Had been for a year, since Sonny started seeing Dr. Bryant.  He had pills if he needed them but most of the time he didn’t.  He prayed if he felt one coming on, he took the time to recite the books of the Bible and count the freckles on the backs of his hands.  Sometimes he’d call and talk to Bella and his niece.  Or, if that failed, his mother.  

If none of those worked, he had Rafael.

Rafael, who could take one look at Sonny and know.  Know that he was trapped somewhere in the past and all his acquired bag of tricks couldn’t drag him back.  Those days he would get the two of them alone and crowd Sonny close, his face in his hands.  Thumbs rubbing from cheekbones to temples and back again until his breathing calmed and his eyes closed.  Rafael would wait until his breathing slowed and then he would talk.  Low and painfully sweet, always in Spanish.  Sonny understood none of it and didn’t want to - he was afraid that understanding would ruin the magic Rafi’s words seemed to have over him.

Then, when Sonny’s heart was calm and his sweat had started to evaporate, he would sing.  

Always something older.

Always in his low, sweet voice.

Always a love song.

Rafael is always happy to do the work.

Sonny is always happy to let him.

  
  
  



End file.
